Finding Faith Even in My Failure

I’ve wanted to write for days…well, probably weeks, but life keeps getting in the way. I wanted to be in a better place before I shared. I even envisioned a blog title like “5 Steps to Parenting Perfection,” “No Regret Parenting,” or “I Figured It Out!!!” But alas, I don’t have a blog that reflects any of those polished titles. Being a single working mom with a quiver of children can be exhausting, overwhelming, and downright frustrating at times. I often feel as though I can’t do a single thing well, on time, successfully, or without drama. I have a lot of those days.

Today was one of those days. It would take way too many words to share the whole story, but suffice it to say that I have consistently disappointed one of my children by forgetting something three times in a row. He is gracious and kind, yet he’s bound to be disappointed and frustrated with me. I am frustrated with myself too. I want to be better—particularly at parenting. Sometimes it feels as though I do more wrong than right. I keep thinking that if my circumstances just got better, I could be better. If life were easier, I could get some sleep and then be more loving, kind, joyful, peaceful, patient, good, gentle, faithful, and organized… (sometimes I wish “organized” were one of the fruits of the Spirit!) Just fix my life and make me better!

I think I’m no longer going to search for neat little bows to tie things up or for useful lists that promise 6 steps to conquer my struggles and yield perfect results. I’ve looked too long and hard. I believe God hasn’t given me those things because a quick fix isn’t His plan for me. His plan is more about drawing me closer to Him than about solving all my problems or changing my circumstances. How I wish I could offer you (and me) a list of things to make life easier… I definitely can’t. But perhaps what I can do is show you where God is leading me.

When I became a single mom, I learned about God’s provision and the peace found in the midst of great sorrow and suffering. I felt closer to the Lord than I ever had before. I experienced His presence in ways I’d never known. I learned how to lean on Him, rest in His arms, find strength in His word, and trust Him when everything seemed hopeless. I learned so much about hope, peace, and faith—so much about my Lord. I guess I expected that life would eventually get easier or at least more manageable. It didn’t. In fact, in many ways, it has become more challenging. And I am one tired mama.

Yet, in the midst of this exhaustion, God has continued to provide, love, and shower me with grace upon grace. I’m in awe. Somehow, God gives me the strength to start each day, and His mercies are truly new every morning. I know this, but sometimes I don’t live it. Sometimes I carry the burdens of yesterday into today, getting caught up in my failures rather than focusing on my faith. Each day I struggle to understand how to do it all—everything I feel called to do. I can’t figure out what to drop. I can’t “drop” one of my five children. They each need me in unique and beautiful ways, yet I cannot deny that it is exhausting to carry the weight of parenting alone. Someone once told me that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…I beg to differ. I’m most definitely living a life I sometimes can’t handle. I barely have a grip on things.

But maybe I don’t need to have a grip on everything…maybe I just need to have a grip on Jesus. Perhaps the key to faith—even amid my failures—is understanding the love of my Savior. Faith isn’t about getting everything right, fixing what needs fixing, finding the perfect solution, or following a step-by-step guide to success. Faith is about trusting Him—not just with my eternity, but with my day: my morning, my afternoon, my night, and every moment in between. Maybe what I’ve been seeking—the quick fix—I already have. It just doesn’t look like I expected. It isn’t measured by the world’s standards, but by a heart transformed by a Savior. It is love, regardless of how lovable I feel; it is failures overcome by faith. Again, I return to Jesus—the author and perfecter of my faith. I can’t make anything perfect… but Jesus can. Jesus can make my faith perfect…and that is enough.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
— Hebrews 12:1-2